Alopecia is draining my mental health.

I suffer from alopecia. I never had it in my whole life, until 2018. I started to notice hair just coming out of my head, like extra shedding. I just thought for months it was shedding until I bent my head over at work and my coworker saw a HUGE bald spot in the back of my head and that was the downfall for me. I have been through a lot of things in my life, a lot of down falls that people would have thought broke me. My children's father chose drugs over family, left us flat broke in debt of thousands of dollars and I came back from it - I carried my family on my back and worked like a friggin dog to fix it. Don't get me wrong, I had my family's support but they didn't pay my bills. I've never asked for help and I am proud as hell to be able to say that! Anyways, I battled alopecia in 2018 - first thoughts were it was in regards to a surgery, it was food allergies, it was stress related. I found a dermatologist who actually prescribed compounded topical solution and my hair came back. I was free of it for 4 years until the last month or so, my hair grows fast and its long. It seems that every time it gets this long that it starts to shed and happen again. Now I'm terrified to even wash my hair. I'm scared to brush it - it stays in a pony tail. Here we go again, round 2. I know a little better on what to do and how to deal with it but it still takes a lot out of me. My mental health from this is down, I'm stressed. I don't want to be "bald" again. It's scary for a female to think she is losing her hair and no clue as to why. I've done more and more research and I've noticed that I'm allergic to night-shades meaning I'm allergic to tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant and so on. I haven't had it confirmed by a doctor yet because last time I went for allergy testing they told me I did not have any allergies to anything but it was eczema..yet the rash only occurred after I ate noodles, potatoes, tomatoes. So I noticed that my skin especially on my legs would flare up, I go to a doctor and they're like "oh you have nothing wrong with you". Yeah thats a load of crap. I know there is something wrong with me. I start seeing this AMAZING dermatologist and I follow him literally three hours away from where I live because he is that good! So I am excited because I am seeing him again for this and he always knows what to do, it's nice to have a doctor completely trust. Alopecia is an auto-immune disease. I was never one in believing in auto-immune things but I really believe it now. I do so much research on alopecia and I wish they would come up with a cure for it. It's truly heart breaking I completely understand the situation of anyone going through it. You don't feel pretty, you feel insecure and not like yourself, I've had people tell me "It's just hair" - NO. It's not just hair, its your mental health, its your appearance its how you see yourself. It's devastating to anyone going through it. And the worst part is it can happen at anytime to anyone. Alopecia doesn't just pick someone - it starts as your hair falling and then you have no clue what is going on until you see a doctor and you're in shock. You hope that your friends don't view you as weird, judge you because you are losing your hair - but they do. People view you differently with no hair, especially as a female. Alopecia will have you sitting on your bathroom floor after you just brushed your hair to see there are clumps of hair missing from your head. Alopecia will have you afraid to wash your hair so you just keep adding dry shampoo and put it back in a pony tail so its up and you can go an hour or so without freaking out about a hair you just had to brush off of you - even though it still falls out in a pony tail. Alopecia is scary and it is okay to do these things when you are going through it - you think you are protecting yourself by not seeing it. I've considered shaving the back of my head so the hair is already gone. I've even thought about tattooing "It's my alopecia" on the back of my head so people wouldn't look at me funny or ask me questions. I'm not sure what to do, or how to handle this. It is absolutely terrifying - and yes there are much worse things in this world that people go through and have to deal with. But everything is different for each person. I'm not sure what to tell people, I'm not sure if there is a right answer or have to go through explaining it so people can understand it. I am just so unsure of this whole thing that I don't know what to do with it or what to make of it. This is my second time having to go through it and yes I know what to do, but people just don't know what to say to be supportive. I can't control my stress - I worry about every little thing. Meditation? I'm not a meditate type. I'm an active type where when I am angry or annoyed I will go out in my garden and pull weeds, or do yard work. I'm very active, I don't like to sit around and watch tv - although it sometimes feels so good! But when I am sitting still is when I over think and worry. I hit points where I don't even want to talk to anyone because of this. I feel so gross - I am not myself. I know that body images change weight gain/loss, you can lose a limb, things change in the blink of an eye and people adapt and deal with it. So I am unsure as to why I cannot cope with this - and the more I think about it the more I feel my scalp flaring up - but I did eat 3 tiny meatballs with tomato sauce so that could be a reason. But the hair still falls out no matter what I eat or do. The itching isn't there when I behave with my diet. I need a stricter diet - but its so hard when I've never had to deal with a strict diet before. I was lactose intolerant for awhile - which is weird because usually it lasts so long. There is something most likely medically wrong with me but I'll explain. I started getting really sick out of no where. I thought I was allergic to doxy which I was put on for lymes disease - which I'm not even sure I had because I don't remember it was so long ago. Anyways, I thought it was from that I was puking and going to the bathroom non stop. So I stopped the doxy but the problem still kept happening. One evening I ate a snack pack and my om was like "Idiot there is milk in that" I don't even know how the milk thing came about but it just did. So I cut out all dairy and it got better but my alopecia was still doing its thing - this was all at the same time too! So I lost a lot of weight from no dairy which was fantastic because hey who doesn't want to be the size they were before they gave birth?! So I stayed far away from dairy for a long time then I found those lactose pills and it was game over! Then one day I ate a slice of pizza and nothing bad happened. I kept adding in more and more dairy over time. And I didn't need the pills anymore. Everything was fine, I had my magic medicine from the doctor and I had dairy back in my life hahah, and then 2022 happens. I lost my grandmother, whom was my best friend, my parents moved, family things happened, it was just such a stressful time. Then my hair starts shedding again, and I put the pieces together, night shades & stress. Jeez I can't wait to see my dermatologist in 10 days! I miss him so much and I'm sure he misses me - most likely not but I'm sure he'll laugh and say "Honey! It's been so long!"


I just hope all the people with alopecia are doing okay, keeping their head above water and trying their best to feel pretty - because I know its terrible and I do not look good with short hair. At least I can call myself baldie-locks again...